I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
