be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
