Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
