look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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