I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You are a genius and a whore.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
