it glows. i had to have it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
