I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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