in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
