just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
