Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
