I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
