I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
