Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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