I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
