32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
