Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
