I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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