my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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