I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
