Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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