what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
