Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
