I wish you could order shots online.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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