I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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