I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize