I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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