My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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