We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
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Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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