I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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