Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
