I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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