I faked an abortion last night.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
as a side note pls kill me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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