I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
