Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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