In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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