Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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