I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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