He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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