It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
