I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
