Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
