i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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