dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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