I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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