I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
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It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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