I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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