I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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