i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize