are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
