he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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