fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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