I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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