I CAN MOONWALK!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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