I think I died a long time ago.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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