Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
