I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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