Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
