Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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