I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
