Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
