my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize