She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
