the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
