so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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